Hubby can`t accept our child!

Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby María on 27 Jan 2015, 16:19

Hi everybody! I am 52 years old mom, who faced a bit complicated problem after the birth of my daughter. It`s difficult to discuss it with my husband, because it`s actually about him… He is just pretending that nothing happened and that`s it. I will start from the very beginning. So, I am infertile and can not carry pregnancy due to my bicornuate uterus. We have been dreaming about our own kid for so many years! Both my husband and I have nephews and almost all our friends and relatives of our age have kids. It has been so difficult to watch them growing up while knowing that we are not going to have our own son or daughter… The only options for us were adoption and surrogacy. But surrogacy is really such an expensive thing! So we decided for adoption. We were put into the waiting list and had been waiting for 8 years already when realized that it actually wouldn`t work that way… Then we moved to surrogacy. For that moment we already had the amount of money needed. We realized that there was no time to delay more, because of our age. Some people would tell it is stupid to get a baby in your fifties but I don`t care. I knew I would be a great mom! And my child would feel the happiest kid ever! We were looking for a pretty long time for a clinic which we could go with. We considered different points, like price, success rates, distance to our country, documents proceeding after the childbirth… Finally we decided to go to Ukraine to Biotexcom for the surrogacy program with DE (due to my age). There were some points that we didn`t like about the clinic but it was not a big deal. Just some stuff which didn`t make that much difference… The most important is that we`ve got a baby! Being honest, when our girl was born I couldn`t believe it was happening for real! With me!!! Like after that many years waiting, almost desperately hoping to become parents we finally did it! It was the biggest dream of my entire life! I`ve been praying for having a child since I was 30… I have never wanted anything that hard! And my husband seemed to feel the same. He spent really a lot of time researching to find out where we should go to make our dream come true, as surrogacy isn`t allowed in our country. He was so excited when we were going to see our baby for the first time! We even prepared some nice invitations for our friends and relatives to celebrate the birth of our little princess. I can`t really express what I felt, but I guess you ladies who have gone through infertility problem and now being parents can share my feelings! I am crying every time I recall the moment when I saw my baby the very first time. I was so happy to hold my daughter that I didn`t pay enough attention to my husband`s reaction. Now I can remember he told that the baby had nothing in common with him, and that she looked the same as our donor. I thought it was a joke. Because I don`t think that it is kind of thing, which you can be sure about in few hours after the birth. And I did nothing more than smiled back.
I was just too happy to think about it. And then it started… He couldn`t stop telling that the baby didn`t look like him. My husband talked to the doctor in charge of the program about this. He asked if it was possible that someone`s else sperm was used and wanted to do DNA as soon as possible. That was kind of alert for me. And from that moment I started to notice things which I did not see before. He couldn`t accept her!!! My husband didn`t consider her to be his child! The only one who he saw while looking at her was a donor… I kept on telling him that it would change with time, and that she was too small to make such conclusions now. It wasn`t about trying to make my husband feel better, he was just so wrong… She had the same smile as he does, I thought so then and I do think so now. But he never believed it. I hoped the result of DNA would change it. But no, it didn`t. He still couldn`t feel that it was his daughter. For me it is so difficult to cope with it. My husband is trying to work till late night and avoid spending time with our baby… And it really hearts. Of course he is not rude and he helps me with our baby but I can feel that he does it because he has to, not because he feels like doing it. Moreover I realize that our daughter even if she can`t feel it now, what I am not sure about, will feel it in future… And it scares me so much! It is so hard for me and even harder the thing is when he keeps on telling that he wants another one baby…he wants to get a boy, because he doesn`t feel that our family is kind of ‘complete’. But I can feel that the real reason is this weird disability to accept your kid… I can`t understand how the man who was obsessed with a dream to become a father now can act like this… Is he just a bad father? Or maybe not even bad…maybe he is not just a good dad? Or may be his dad-feeling will come later? I am totally confused and don`t know how to deal with it…
Ladies, I need some advice or any ideas you may have about how to go through it, cause I don`t really know for how long I will be able to take it… :cry:
María
 
Posts: 2
Joined: 11 Dec 2014, 12:58

Re: Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby Kattie on 28 Jan 2015, 01:25

Hi Maria, so different emotions I got after reading your story. On the one hand it is great that you became mom after a long time waiting! And as you`ve already mentioned it is the most important. But at the same time feel sorry for your husband`s reaction… I think you should be patient enough and just give him some time. It can be really difficult to get used to that big changes and the only thing he needs now is your complete support! Just try not to judge him and let him take his time. It might change in the nearest future… It will be difficult for you but just don`t give up, help him to feel himself a father ;) I look forward to hearing some good news from you!
Kattie
 
Posts: 6
Joined: 11 Dec 2014, 12:57

Re: Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby Agnes on 03 Feb 2015, 16:40

Hi Maria!!! Your story shocked me a lot!!! Your daughter is genetically related to your hubby. This MUST be the most important for him!!! I don`t understand this position. You used ED and you do not care about this at all and he… Doesn`t he understand that the child feels his emotions. Moreover, you were waiting for the child for such a long period of time. Doesn`t he understand that your daughter`s appearance would change completely. Even the color of her eyes. As far as I understood firstly you considered adoption as an option. Imagine what could happen in this case… The child would not be related genetically to you both. What would he do this case? Would he give the child back? Or what? I don`t even understand him!!! You did DNA test which proved that your hubby is genetically related to the child. I am afraid that the child may have some problems in the future. Your little princess doesn`t get enough love and care from your husband now and it influences her, I`m sure. In such situation he wants one more child: a boy. May be he wanted a boy so much that now he is not able to accept daughter now. The problem is not in donor… In your place I would not go for surrogacy one more time. There is no guarantee that you will have a boy. Actually the medicine now is highly developed. I read a lot of information about PGD. But this procedure is very expensive and. Moreover, not all the clinics are able to do this procedure. Maria, imagine the situation that you`ll have one more daughter. What your hubby would say? How would he react in such situation? Moreover, your age… Let`s be honest, you do not become younger… I`m sure you should not give up. Your daughter is so little now. The time of the first word, first step would come soon. I don`t think that the time your daughter says “dad” for the first time your hubby will be indifferent. I hope so… I don`t understand one thing. According to the Ukrainian legislation egg donation is anonymous. Why did your husband decide that your daughter looks like an egg donor? It is impossible to meet with the donor. Your story made me think a lot… You see… My husband and I are going for surrogacy very soon. We are going to Ukraine (biotexcom). I`m afraid we`ll have the same situation. Actually I had a talk with him. He said that I should not even imagine such situation. It would never happen!!! Maria, don`t be disappointed, just wait a bit. I think the time will change everything and your hubby will change his opinion after the first word: “daddy”))) Good luck!!!
Agnes
 
Posts: 21
Joined: 09 Jul 2014, 13:48

Re: Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby Janice on 06 Feb 2015, 15:53

Hello Maria, I got shocked after reading you story :( You both are so lucky to become parents! All I can say – congratulation on your baby! But what you told about your husband it sounds for me so weird… Don`t get offended or something but your husband is acting so wrong… After so much time waiting you finally succeeded and he does not appreciate it at all. Many people are trying for so many years and still nothing.A lot of people can only dream about it. And he is not satisfied without a reason at all. I don`t know how it can happen.
I also don`t understand people who are infertile and ttc for so much time without any result and when they finally get their kid they tell something like, oh, I wanted a boy. If we do it another time can we choose the sex of the baby? Cause we do not need another girl, just boy… Come on you must be the happiest people ever as you made your dream come true, you finally became parents. But please, how is it possible? Acting like this… And as I know in biotexcom you can choose donor by photo. So I understand that your husband knew how exactly the donor looked like. And how may look a baby in future… Anyway I hope the thing will get better and your husband will change his attitude to the whole situation. Be patient and try to help him feel that it is his baby! I think your daughter needs you both
Janice
 
Posts: 2
Joined: 11 Dec 2014, 12:54

Re: Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby María on 06 Feb 2015, 16:43

Agnes, now I understand how good is that we did not decide for adoption. I think you are right and if we had adopted a child my husband might have been acting even more horrible… But I can not judge him, he is my husband. I really need him totally, physically and mentally. And I am hoping now that it is just a question of time. Thank you for your support, I appreciate it. Right now it is so important for me. I am coping with all kind of problems on my own. I am taking care of our daughter almost without his help. And I have to take care of my husband as well. It feels like I have 2 babies at the same time and do not know who is easier for me to cope with. I really hope that it will change soon, because I know hubby for so long time… And I can tell with confidence that he is not a bad man. And I expect him not to be a bad father. So great that you are starting your surrogacy journey soon! Congratulations on it! I wish your experience will be totally smooth and positive. What I can tell you is that you are making a right choice on the clinic. And back to your question about the donor of eggs. Yes, you are right, the donation is anonymous according to Ukrainian law. Which means that you can not meet this woman, who donates eggs for you, personally, or get to know her. But what you can do, is see her picture and get some general information about her. There is no problem with it. Agnes, thank you again for your message. I am hoping everything will be better soon. Any way my baby is a very beautiful and healthy girl, that must be the only thing which matters. Good luck on your journey!
María
 
Posts: 2
Joined: 11 Dec 2014, 12:58

Re: Hubby can`t accept our child!

Postby Agnes on 26 Mar 2015, 12:29

Maria, I`m sure everything will be ok. Thank you for clarifying the info about egg donors. The fact that I will not be able to meet with the donor disappointed me. Luckily we can see the photos))) Want to give an advice. Take care not only about your little girl but take care of your husband too. He also needs you attention. Everything changed in your life. Don`t make him think that you don`t need him anymore. Best regards)))
Agnes
 
Posts: 21
Joined: 09 Jul 2014, 13:48


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